July 31

”Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.” Josephus Daniels

I do believe that as long as I hold onto hope that anything I want still remains a possibility. I just need to be careful that my wants and desires are aligned with my authentic self and reflect the will of my Higher Power. Therefore I can only give in to defeat when I lose faith, give up hope and stop trusting in the guidance of the God of my understanding. There is an opposite view – I will never start to receive help and guidance from my Higher Power until I admit that I need it and ask for it. This is the foundation of the 12 Steps, and more particularly the first three. As one member summarizes them; I have a problem, there is help, and I need to ask for it. Until I was ready to admit I had a problem there was no way anyone could have convinced me that I needed help. Nor was any aid that was offered to me attractive. The decision had to come from within first. What I can appreciate about choosing not to be defeated and choosing to be in recovery is that they are both healthy demonstrations of my willpower. Again, as a fellow member has shared, we don’t have won’t power in terms of our addictive behaviour,; once we start down the path our addiction generally wins the battle. But we do have willpower to do something else and that is the power of the program.

Affirmation I can have hope, I can choose my recovery and I can exercise my willpower to do things to support my program.

July 30

”Deep down, real comforts are more important than temporary comfort.” Joni EarecksonTade

I am learning the true meaning of discomfort in my recovery. I have become aware of how my addiction relished any degree of discomfort and was able to turn it into fuel that fed my fantasies and desire to act out. It still takes me by surprise how the small disappointments, the times when things don’t go my way, how these moments can so easily disrupt my serenity and start me on the spiral of darker thinking. Real comfort and real happiness are not something I can buy, that I can find browsing on the internet, between the covers of a magazine or on a channel on TV. These are the things that need to come from within. Connecting once again to my feelings and finding the power of surrendering to my Higher Power are paths to being truly happy. Living a life that is based on honesty, faithfulness and integrity gives me peace and serenity. Knowing that I no longer maintain a secret life, that I have found a place to share my dark thoughts, my pain, guilt and shame, has given me a new sense of freedom and belonging. These are all purer things that I feel will endure. I desire less and less the temporary measure to make me feel alive and have instead begun to live and enjoy each and every moment.

Affirmation I can find a deeper, truer happiness that comes from within me. There is nothing or no one external that can give this to me.

July 29

”Make each day your masterpiece.” John Wooden

Each day is new, unblemished and full of possibility. When I keep to the routine of my program, start my morning with my daily prayer and meditation, and find time for the reminders like the Serenity Prayer, reaching out to other members, reading SAA literature, writing, working on my steps, I increase the chances of staying present to create a work of art that I will be proud of. This is not a claim of false pride but a sense of accomplishment, of a job well done, of a day spent living as my Higher Power wishes of me. When I lose sight of the simple things that maintain my serenity it does not take long to turn my day towards disaster. I need to be vigilant and aware when my thoughts and deeds are leading me astray from the will of the God of my understanding. I can very easily become distracted from the present by focusing on small things beyond my control. I need to give myself mental kicks in the butt to turn my attention back to the here and now. It is equally important for me to end my day the right way. For me that includes not eating too much sugar close to bedtime, going to sleep at a reasonable hour, reading, journaling or reflecting on the day, and closing by giving thanks to God for what I have experienced and discovered in the past 24 hours. It sets me up to get out of the right side of the bed in the morning.

Affirmation Sticking to my routine today may not guarantee success but it will certainly increase my chances.

July 28

”The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” John Powell

Recovery is for me, it is about me, and in the end it affects only me. I keep being reminded of this whenever I get the expectation that working my program should improve other aspects of my life. Just as the Serenity Prayer tells me to only be concerned about the things I can change, I need to recall that those same areas are where I should anticipate change as well. Relationships, work, family – the only parts I can make better is my own role within each. I cannot change my spouse, my boss, parents, kids or siblings. While I can hope that my improvements will work towards making things better, there are no guarantees. Unfortunately recovery is a selfish process…its only target is the individual in recovery. It is slowly sinking in that my work in my program is geared towards rebuilding my relationship with my Higher Power. It is about me becoming a more genuine, authentic, loving, compassionate, caring and selfless individual. In surrendering to the God of my understanding, in turning over all those things beyond my control, I am gaining the freedom to become the person I was meant to be.

Affirmation I need to keep recovery focused on me first, worrying about how others affect me will set me up for disappointment and can trigger relapse.

July 27

”The childhood shows the man, as the morning shows the day.” John Milton

It took only a few weeks after joining SAA for me to recognize how far back my addictive tendencies went. I guess I thought I would have been more surprised to trace events and behaviours back to my teenage years, but somehow I think deep down I always suspected it was true. I think it is amazing that as a human being I can keep such a toxic part of me active in my life for so many years yet still appear to be a functioning part of society. I guess my coping mechanism did get me to the point in my life where I finally decided that there had to be a better way to live. In working the steps, in sharing with other members, I am often challenged to look at myself, my thoughts and actions from a totally new perspective. I don’t like questioning that my thought processes are broken, but I think the fact that I lived my double-life for so many years is proof that all was not functioning in the healthiest manner. I have lived with the addict in my head for so many years that I am not always aware which voice is active. So I am grateful to have my new SAA family to help me hear and see more clearly what I am thinking, saying and doing. My increasing awareness gives me the power to choose new ways to behave , act and react to the world around me.

Affirmation I can accept my group as a mirror that will better help me see where I can improveand grow.

July 26

”Certain defects are necessary for the existence of individuality.” Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

I am unique. I am flawed, imperfect. I am whole yet dependent upon others. I have strengths and natural talents. I can learn, change and adapt. I am not good or evil, moral or immoral, but I can choose to act in ways perceived to be those ways. I am a human being, capable of acts of incredible love, kindness and compassion, or of things much darker. On top of all these aspects given to me at birth, I am also a sex addict. I have a disease, an illness that in its compulsivity erodes my capacity to make good choices and be wary of the consequences. Yet I am a recovering addict, and I have found hope, strength and courage in the 12 Steps and in the humble beginnings of my reconnection to my Higher Power. I am but a servant in my fellowship, there to share my story, my meager wisdom, and to be open to the messages of courage, love, patience, endurance, spirit, and resilience of my fellow members. I am an individual while at the same time a part of a larger whole, something greater than myself that promises to lead me to a life without my dependency on my drug of choice – sex. I find lessons to take home each meeting, words to reflect on and reasons to give thanks. I may be flawed but no longer am I alone as long as I choose recovery and my program.

Affirmation There is strength and hope in all the parts of me, talents to be exploited to further my recovery and weaknesses to be acknowledged and overcome to make progress.

July 25

”The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” Helen Keller

Since separating from my spouse, organizing and attending family functions has become much more challenging. Some traditions have been broken, at least temporarily, some events happen twice with only one parent in attendance each time, and sometimes both or only one of us are there. It is hard dealing with special events and seeing or worse hearing from one or more of my children that they wish we could be a normal family again. There is so much to repair, just from my own behaviour in my marriage and as a parent, let alone my spouse’s concerns, that mending relationships is going to be a lengthy process. I know that my own recovery needs to be my first priority or nothing else can be worked on. Yet surprises can pop up from unexpected places. Just prior to a recent birthday my sister, to whom I am close but have grown apart from in recent years, sent me a painting that she had done herself. It was full of positive messages and encouragements, that, to my astonishment, she revealed she had taken from my own meditations. Wow! I am still amazed at how such small acts can have such profound impact. Even more, I am truly grateful to be sober enough to appreciate them.

Affirmation I will be aware of the acts of others; even in times of difficulty there can be bright moments of love, happiness and hope.

July 24

”All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a simple lovely action.” James Russell Lowell

Through my separation with my spouse one of the challenges has been not only staying connected physically, emotionally and spiritually, but also in reconnecting to those aspects which were damaged by my acting out. This has probably been most apparent in our intimate connections, communication, sharing of feelings and of course physical intimacy. I have never been a great communicator, especially when I need to share my feelings. I have always been better at writing things down in a letter or email…but it is less personal and can easily be misinterpreted. A new method I am trying is to still write down what I need to share, but to read it aloud, in person or over the phone, so I can get and give feedback. While living apart, physical intimacy has certainly been more difficult to incorporate into our relationship. Yet this time has helped me gain awareness of the things that I truly miss. In being absent I know all the little routine things that I find lacking like hugs, cuddling, back rubs, sitting together in front of the TV…and all the small idiosyncrasies that remind me of my spouse and why I cherish them.

Affirmation I believe that absence can make the heart grow fonder and I know my actions in treating my spouse with love and respect will speak volumes.

July 23

”Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.” James Dean

Dreams and fantasies…for the longest time there was little, if no difference between these concepts in my life. My addict took control of both and subverted them into mechanisms to keep m compulsive and addictive cycle going. It was rare if any of these activities of my subconscious were healthy and positive influences in my life in my acting out days. As I ventured into recovery my addiction still tried to retain its grasp in these aspects of my life, and I, admittedly, was certainly reluctant, even afraid to even consider having healthy dreams or fantasies about my life. Even trying to consider where recovery might take me seemed like an impossible endeavour. Gradually as I become aware of my thoughts and feelings, began to live through my emotions and stresses rather than escaping, balance began to return to my subconscious as well. Whereas I had gone for months with very few dreams, if any at all, slowly my nights were filled with the ponderings of my unconscious mind and nothing was related to my acting out. As the promises of my local groups keep reminding me, degrading fantasies and obsessive sexual thinking have diminished. I can dream as if the future is limitless, and as for living as if I will die today – well I am at the very least living FOR today.

Affirmation I can look at how the program is helping to restore balance in my life, even in terms of things like dreams and fantasies where my addiction used to have free reign.

July 22

”Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances which would have lain dormant.” Horace

I think I am discovering that one of my beliefs about this life as I know it is that it is not supposed to be easy. That happy-go-lucky place of no worries is what heaven is supposed to be (as I understand it), and as far as my religious beliefs go, I still think I need to earn my way in. Therefore my time here on Earth is not only to probe myself worthy, but to learn what it is to be human along the way. So far as my own experience goes I seem to learn a whole lot more about being human from going through hard times than coasting along when everything is fine. So my philosophy is that challenges, trials, disasters, tragedies – all these events that seem to bring out the worst in terms of what life has to offer – are also where mankind shows their greatest strengths. It is times like these where we  put aside our selfish interest to be compassionate and helpful for others, become more self-sacrificing for a greater good. In my own life I have chosen to rise to the occasion probably less often than I have been washed away, unable to find the strength to overcome the situation. Yet I have survived to be where I am today and I know I have a greater faith in my Higher Power to help me weather the storms that lay ahead.

Affirmation I can accept that the difficult times are challenges for me to overcome and learn from so that I can grow.

July 21

”People begin to become successful the minute they decide to be.” Harvey Mackay

I am a firm believer that my attitude and approach to life is as important as what I certainly do. So far me I began to be successful in my recovery the moment I decided to be IN recovery. Today, and for some time, I allow myself no other option; being in recovery is where I need to be to maintain my serenity and sobriety. I choose each day to work my program; it has become the norm rather than the exception. In my early recovery I was not quite so committed and, looking back, it is apparent that some days I chose recovery while others I decided to follow my addiction. It took me a few months to realize that I could not stay partially in recovery and continue holding onto pieces of my addiction, just in case. Making the decision to be fully committed to working my program has made the biggest improvement in my recovery. It’s strange to look at my life and see how much it has changed. But the tools of my recovery – prayer, meditation, writing, reading, meetings, all these and more have become a natural part of my life. I owe my serenity, my capacity to cope with life in healthy ways, my reconnection to my feelings and my Higher Power; all this comes from making the 12 Steps a priority in my life.

Affirmation I can chooseto be in recovery today and work my program. All that is asked is to face the next 24 hours trusting in my Higher Power.

July 20

”The world is full of suffering. It is also full of the overcoming of it.” Helen Keller

It is a difficult thing for me to see someone I care about in pain or in a bad situation when I know I cannot rescue that person from their misery. It is a painful reminder of how those close to me may have felt for all the years I was in my own active addiction. There was nothing anyone could have said or done to have made me seek help; that moment had to wait until I was truly ready for change and a way out of my compulsive and destructive behaviour. I feel blessed each time I partake in a meeting as I always hear a bit of both sides; something about the addict who is still suffering along with the experience, strength and hope from those who are overcoming it. Often members, including myself, share both parts. I am grateful for this constant reminder that there is hope, that my despair can be transformed into faith, my sadness to joy, my shame and guilt to integrity and a renewed sense of self-worth. My eyes have been opened to the power of the program even though I am aware that a long road of recovery that lies before me. I no longer suffer alone, and on the same hand, I have found a common group of men and women who promote faith and hope that will help to see me through the darker times.

Affirmation Today I will recall my suffering and reflect on the hope I have discovered from within the fellowship.

July 19

”All I would tell people is to hold onto what was individual about themselves, not to allow their ambition for success to cause them to try to imitate the success of others. You’ve got to find it on your own terms” Harrison Ford

I still remember my attitude when I first started working for a large organization –“I won’t let them break me, I will still be the same person, will challenge those who say things have always been this way so don’t change them, etc.” A decade later, I think I can honestly say that I still believe those fundamental statements, yet they have been tamed by the realities of how it is generally difficult to make changes through all the bureaucracy inherent in the system. Regardless, I can hold onto my individuality and within reason, voice my opinion when things don’t seem to make sense or appear to inhibit rather than promote an effective workplace. There is a bit of a parallel to my recovery in this. When I first opened the door to the idea that I was an addict, I very quickly found myself drowning in questions of whom the real me was versus the addict. But as I work through the program and the waters recede, I have been able to find bits and pieces of me that have been there all along, even if they were intentionally ignored or buried much of the time. My addictive behaviour didn’t so much remove my good qualities as it tried to deny my access to them, or to subvert them to less desirable ends. But I am finding my way through recovery as I rediscover myself.

Affirmation I know my recovery does not require me to recreate myself as much as I simply need to discover the good – the talents and abilities – which I already possess.

July 18

”The fragrance always remains in the hand that gives the rose.” HadaBejar

I see two sides to how I choose to act, but really both encompass the idea of karma. If I do things the right way, treat others like I would like to be treated, then eventually my good deeds will come back to me. I also feel the opposite is true, if I mistreat and use others, I expect that negativity to come back to me in some form or another as well. What remains is my choice; do I give a rose or a thistle? There is more depth – true giving or sharing of myself is done because I want and I am able to share. Yet giving because I expect to get something in return is selfish and does not really match the definition of true sharing. The motivation behind my actions is as important as the act itself. This really goes back to living in harmony with my thoughts, words and deeds. When all is in sync I am being genuine and authentic and others will notice. Moving forward in recovery without my secret double life is required to finding my true self and becoming a better person. All this work also helps clear the way for an improved relationship with my Higher Power. The program is restoring the fragrance in my hand as I share my recovery with others.

Affirmation I will be conscientious of my actions today and keep them in line with my thoughts and feelings.

July 17

”May your life be crowded with unexpected joys.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Success still frightens me. This need not be lots of recognition at work or in the community; it can be something as simple as being happy and having life going well. My instinct is to not trust the good times, to be waiting for the storm to roll in, and usually my worries and fears lead me to doing something to jeopardize or sabotage my contentment. I know that much of this thinking and behaviour stems from my shame; the regret from my past that I do not deserve to be happy or have good things in my life because of all the bad things I have done. I am working on my self-esteem and learning that I AM WORTHY of good things. Regaining faith in my Higher Power has helped to restore my belief that He only wants good for me. Just as I can feel overwhelmed when things are very dark, I can feel the same when it is too bright and sunny. Yet I can cope with either situation in the same way – Stop, take a few deep breaths, say the Serenity Prayer and focus on the present moment. I am learning to accept these good highs as a natural part of life and something that I am allowed to experience as part of a healthy and balanced existence.

Affirmation Today I will not be afraid of the good things that happen; I have as much right to be happy and content as anyone.

July 16

”The potential for changing the future can lie only in the present.” Gillian Butler

In my early recovery I had a difficult situation of having to break off a relationship with a potential acting out partner. My best way to handle the situation immediately was an abrupt break with little reason or justification provided. I didn’t trust myself to get into any lengthy conversation figuring I would rationalize things to make it okay and continue supporting my addiction. Unfortunately this meant leaving the other person in the dark. It took over a year for me to gain enough maturity and strength to speak with this person again. It was someone whom I still saw from time to time and I would dread each potential encounter, not trusting what to say or worrying about how they still felt. So a meeting in a public place to clear the air and seek some closure eventually took place. One thing that was said which made me reflect after the fact was the question of how I could use someone who was a willing participant. I came to the realization that it only mattered about my own perception. I knew I had not been open, honest or genuine with this person, intending only to seek gratification for my fantasies and to feed my addiction. I was hurting myself in pursuing that encounter, regardless of how the other person felt. I am thankful my Higher Power continues to provide me with such powerful insights.

Affirmation I have many things I can learn from the past and the lessons are there to be learned in their own time.

July 15

”Putting off an easy thing makes it hard, and putting off a hard thing makes it impossible.” George Lorimer

This quote has been staring at me from a blank page for a few days, and each time I have looked at it I have drawn a blank as to what to write in the space below. I finally decided to just start writing something and trust that it will take me somewhere. I guess there are times in my life where that is how I feel, not knowing what to do to take the next step forward, so I just keep pacing side to side. I need to take that courageous first step into the unknown and trust in my Higher Power that it falls upon the right path. I also see how this message applies to others in my life, how avoiding dealing with something early when it is small always tends to turn them into something much larger and more difficult to handle. I am certainly just as guilty in my own life. Part of my work in recovery is to stop putting things off and taking the time to do them as soon as I can.  That way not only do I accomplish something that I needed to do, I also remove something that I will worry about and carry forward into tomorrow. So for at least 2 good reasons, acting now has liberated me to have room to do more and to stay focused in the present.

Affirmation I will be aware of my procrastination today and do those things I would rather put off…I will be better off for having done them now.

July 14

”Love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all; forgiving means to pardon that which is unpardonable, or it is no virtue at all – and hope means hoping when things are hopeless, or it is no virtue at all.” G. K. Chesterton

I am human, I am flawed, I have limitations. I may have been created in God’s image, but this copy is severely lacking in omnipotence. Yet there is hope in this darkness. My Higher Power, as I understand Him, is willing to work through me, to let me love unconditionally, to forgive everything and anything, to have unending and enduring faith and hope. I need only ask and let myself be open to letting Him guide me. On my own ability I will always fall short; I simply do not have the capacity to do these things like my Higher Power can. Trying to live like this is completely different than anything I have ever tried. It requires a near complete surrender to God’s will and acceptance of those things I cannot control. It requires me to love my enemies like my friends, to be brutally honest with myself and others, to love myself as I am – the good, the bad and the ugly. It is easily the most difficult thing I have ever attempted to do, and it takes strength beyond that which I possess. I need to pray regularly to live as my Higher Power sees fit. I have not given complete trust into this process but I am making an effort.

Affirmation I am capable of many things but with my Higher Power by my side anything is impossible.

July 13

”There is a past which is gone forever, but there is a future which is still our own.” F. W. Robertson

I think I am starting to understand the concept of not being able to go home again. After 4 months of living on my own, away from my spouse and my family, I know things will never be the way they were before, even if we reconcile. There is no changing the past. Yet I am not completely in despair. I hope that if things do work out, they will be better than before. I know I am no longer the same person I was since having admitted my problems and actively taking the steps to change. Living in recovery today I am aware that the pull of my addiction is not the promise of a bright and happy future, but the attempt to pull me back into the past. My addiction prefers to keep me in stasis, unchanging, isolated and stagnating in the fantasy world that does little to make my life productive. Recovery on the other hand is not so much about the future as it is about the present. Living for the future can be as destructive as dwelling on the past. The program is teaching me to live in and for the moment. This is where the action is, where my energy is best spent to make real changes. I may never go home again, but living in the now helps me to be content with myself, no matter where I may be.

Affirmation I will not dwell on the past nor worry about the future: the here and now is where I need to be focused.

July 12

”The important thing is this: to be ready at any moment to sacrifice what you are for what you could become.” Charles Dickens

I often question which choices are fulfilling the will of my Higher Power voice those that are of my own design. I think my place where this is least clear is in dealing with my spouse. Having made many efforts to reconcile, reading scripture and working through self-help books to improve my knowledge of the role I should be taking thus far have had little impact as my partner has barely begun their own journey of recovery. It is easy for me to doubt what the future holds and trust that my Higher Power knows what is best for me in the long term. I know the hard choice, loving when no love is returned, forgiving when no pardoning comes back, hoping when all seems hopeless, is the way I should be going yet as a human being I have limits. It is hard not to give in to frustration and despair. In times like these I need to turn back to my program, my outer circle, and do what I can to take care of me. If I concentrate on life a day at a time I let go of worrying about what the future holds and keep myself more open to the will of the God of my understanding.

Affirmation My sacrifice for today will be to follow the path that is difficult, but likely the best one for me in the long run.

July 11

”A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.” English Proverb

My day usually starts by praying to God to ask Him for the strength to pick up my cross and carry it. I wear a crucifix pendant around my neck, and have pretty much since I was a teenager, but have been more conscious that it is a reminder that my Higher Power is always with me. Yet I still acknowledge that there will be challenges and difficulties that meet me each day. Being in recovery and dealing with life on life’s terms still can be daunting. I am learning how I can apply my recovery tools in many real world situations, but it still takes time and energy. The most useful tool is probably still the Serenity Prayer in helping me look at those things that are actually within my control and those that I can do nothing about. It is clear that adversity and the tests of life are the stimulation I need to keep making changes in my life. Working the steps provides opportunities to remove obstacles between me and the God of my understanding. At the same time I am gaining incredible self-awareness and the ability to feel like a whole person again. The hard work of facing life’s challenges pays off in the rewards of building my character.

Affirmation I will take on today’s challenges with the knowledge that my Higher Power is standing beside me, cheering for me to succeed, learn and grow.

July 10

”If you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves.” Emily Dickinson

It is still scary how the little things can throw off my life and impact my serenity. One of the things that has always, and continues to bother me is a lack of communication. It still shocks me how quickly not getting the information or regular contact I need can easily lead me to the conceive the worst, most disastrous situations which are all too often unfounded and just a result of my imagination run wild. I dislike how rapidly being in the dark, and I mean less than a 24-hour period, I can bring myself to the edge of despair and hopelessness. The other major drawback is that falling into this mental black hole also opens the door to my addictive thinking. My dark mood can all too readily spiral my thought patterns back to middle and inner circle planning and fantasizing. It is challenging trying to turn over the unknown to my Higher Power. When I feel desperate for knowledge I still struggle to accept that many of these things will not resolve themselves according to my schedule. I need support and friendly reminders about staying focused in the present to maintain my serenity and sobriety. My program requires me to seek moderation and compulsively obsessing about anything will not lead me in the right direction.

Affirmation I need to be aware of places in my life where I obsess. This can be turned over to the God of my understanding to help guard my sanity.

July 9

”There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” Edith Wharton

I think for most of my life, since it has been coupled with my addiction, I have never truly felt like I have genuinely had much to offer the world. I know I can think of brief instances where I did, but more often than not I would not have considered myself as a light in the world. Nor for that matter would I have said that I reflected light either. If anything, I probably felt more like 2-way glass, a nice shiny outside that was my public face, but on the other side it was dark, my hidden addictive self that was consciously concealed. From my addictive state I could see through the glass to the nice shiny world, but it felt phone to live in that place with all the dark secrets that caused me guilt and shame. Nowadays I am discovering my self-worth. Knowing that I am a good person, that I have things to offer, that I can contribute to the world around me lets me be a candle and spread a little light in my surroundings. I am also able to reflect the light I see in others, especially in the fellowship, and I am grateful that I am no longer peering out from the darkness behind that piece of 2-way glass.

Affirmation I will look for the good things I can share and be proud of my talents and the things I can offer to the world.